Message 5118 of 22774 in Behind the Bar

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A few similar thoughts:


(1)
- "Hey mate, I gave ewe a twenty note."
- "No ewe didn't. If ewe had, ewe would have received the appropriate change".
- "Are ewe trying to short change me asshole?"
- "If ewe'd like sir, when I close the bar soon, ewe can wait in the street 
until I've cleaned the bar and counted the cash, and if the till is ten pounds 
over (which I doubt), I will happily refund ewe. This will take about two 
hours tho'. And it's cold outside. Ewe decide".
Conversation over. Next customer.

(2)
- "Two mango daiquiris please".
I head off to make them, return a coupla minutes later.
- "Oh yeah, can I get another?"
- "No!".
Next customer.

(3)
A customer vying for my attention on a busy night. When I get to them, they 
indicate the person next to them should be served. Both get ignored.
Next customer.

(4)
When dealing with people who order a large round on a busy night, then wait 
until I've made the drinks, ask how much it is, then proceed to spend five 
minutes rooting around in their handbag for their purse, then a further ten 
minutes counting out the exact money from the collection of small change they 
appear to have brought out with them that night.
At this point, I turn to the rest of the customers (4 deep), point to the 
offending customer and shout "The reason why ewe're all waiting is not because 
of me. It's because this lady/gent doesn't know how to behave in bars. Would 
someone like to instruct them?". Problem doesn't occur again.
Next customer.

(5)
- "Can I get a beer please?"
- "We have fifteen different draught beers, twenty bottled brands in the 
fridge, all of which are highly visible. Take five minutes, make a frickin' 
decision, then I'll serve ewe."
Next customer

(6)
One a got last week:
- "Here, barman! I can't taste the gin in this! Ewe under-poured me!".
- "No sir. Ewe can't taste the gin in that drink because ewe ordered a Cosmo".
Next customer.

(7)
- "Someone else bought me this drink, and I don't like it. Can ewe replace 
with something else?"
- "Get out. GET OUT OF MY FRICKIN' BAR!"
Next customer.

(8)
Idiots who spill their drinks over the bar/drop the glass, and feel within 
their rights to ask for a free replacement.
- "Certainly sir I'll give ewe a free replacement, as soon as ewe give me a 
free twenty to compensate for the one I dropped down the back of the till."
Next customer.