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Subject: Re: Cover Letter Advice
From: Hambone
Posted: Mon Nov 23. 2009, 05:39 UTC
Followup to: "Re: Cover Letter Advice"  by Dan the Melon Man  (Mon Nov 23. 2009, 04:53 UTC)
> Oh.
> Frankly way too flat for a personality-driven position. For me.
> 
> > This letter is in reference to a Bartender position that you may have 
> > 
> > currently or in the future, and to inform you that I am a worker you 
> > 
> > want in your establishment.
> 
> WAY too formal. Can't be 'in reference to' something that hasn't yet 
> been discussed - although could be 'regarding'. Which is also 
> shorter.
> 
> I could nit-pick at the grammar, but I think you need to start again. 
> Be the guy that you would want to hire.
> 
> You don't have bartending "qualifications" - you have experience. 
> (which is better)
> If I was reviewing it, I'd want you to describe the environment you'd 
> worked in (size, turnover, role) to give me a picture to start from.
> 
> My style (which may not be yours) usually includes a much more active 
> voice.
> I don't 
> > appreciate an opportunity to meet the staff
> I'm "keen to join the team!".
> Dispassionate third-party voice just doesn't make a bartender for me 
> :-)
> 
> Nothing in that really sets you apart from any generic-brand product 
> here. You've gotta have some sort of "that's interesting" hook. That 
> always gives the interview somewhere to start.
> Interview candidates often get passed around the upper-level staff, 
> so the one that people remember gets more recognition in discussions. 
> "The flight instructor" isn't much of a hook. "The guy that likes 
> Bacardi" or "the girl that once served Richard Branson" or "the one 
> that did a whole wedding on their own" or "the one from Antigua" is 
> still better - no matter how irrelevant the trivia.
> 
> Despite formal letter-writing advice (to start with the purpose), 
> just reversing the paragraphs : I'm this and this and this , 
> and I want to this because this. is more dynamic than the current 
> structure.
> 
> Yeah, sorry. If this one came to me I'd shrug and think you were 
> writing it because your careers adviser gave it to you as an 
> exercise. :-B
> 
> 
> Disclosure: so that you can critique me, my (old) CV version is up 
> here
> http://coders.co.nz/cv/hospitality
> ... although I can't dig up the bar job covering letter I used to 
> work from.
> As I think it's important for your application to convey your own 
> personality, I know my taste might not be yours. But in a bar, the 
> last thing I want is a wet fish. Even writing a covering letter may 
> be more snooty than many establishments are used to, so (I think) 
> you've gotta give it more kick and personality.
> 
> .dan.

Ok, I updated it a little bit.  Mainly, just the introduction.

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to you in the event that you have a Bartending position currently 
available or at any time in the future.  I am confident, determined, mature 
and professional.  I have a good sense of humor and I enjoy good conversation. 
 Most importantly though, I really enjoy working with people with similar 
traits, and who love (or at least really like!) what they do.  

My qualifications include roughly 3 years in the restaurant business, 2 of 
which are bartending. In addition to my restaurant work, I also have two years 
of experience as a Flight Instructor which, in addition to bartending, has 
taught me to cope really well with high stress environments.  My experience in 
customer service along with my instructor experience has helped to promote a 
healthy relationship between me and anyone I interact with.  
 
I would very much appreciate an opportunity to meet the staff, learn more 
about the company and for an interview with you to further demonstrate my 
commitment and dedication to being a model employee.  

I will be very happy to disclose any information not listed above or on my 
resume, and most importantly, if there is anything further that you require 
such as evidence of qualifications/experience I will be more than happy to 
oblige your request.

Thank you in advance for your time and help, and looking forward to your 
response,

Jacob Bennett

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Keep in mind.  This is just my cover letter.  My resume is as follows:

Jacob Bennett


Objective
To ensure that your guests fully enjoy their time spent at your establishment

Bar experience

Bartender/Server · Southampton Inn · Southampton, NY · June 09 – September 09
Upscale restaurant attached to a hotel 

Bartender · Indian Cove Restaurant · Hampton Bays, NY · May 09 – September 09
Main bar and service bar  

Bartender · Mirko’s ·  Water Mill, NY · October 06 – December 07
First class restaurant 

Day floor manager · Captree Cove Restaurant · Bay Shore, NY · May 06 – October 
06
Duties include managing bar and floor area, hiring employees, accounts payable 
and receivable, and stock management

Bartender · Old Mill Inn · Mattituck, NY · September 05 – May 06
Main bar and service bar as well as dining area

Other experience

Flight Instructor · Space Coast Aviation · Merritt Island, FL · January 08 – 
June 09
Instructed students in ground and flight training, conducted flight 
proficiency reviews, and updated checklists and syllabuses

Server · City Tropics Bistro · Melbourne, FL · January 07 – June 07
High volume restaurant and night club

 Teachers Assistant · Florida Tech · Melbourne, FL · September 2004 – May 2005
Assisted teacher in training students to use an air traffic control simulator

Bar back ·  Atlantica ·  Westhampton, NY · May 05 – August 05
Fine dining establishment

Education

Florida Institute of Technology · Melbourne, FL · B.S. Aeronautical Science w/ 
Flight Option · Graduated May 2007

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

As far as formality goes, yes I admit, it's a little formal, but keep in mind 
that my ideal place of employment is at an upscale hotel or restaurant where 
formality and professionalism is something they want.  The last place I 
interviewed I was dressed in a suit (and I did not feel overdressed).  

I don't have much experience as a person in upper level management, but I 
really disagree with you on the flight instructor part.  That's a very 
different aspect, and something that I think really stands out, than on a lot 
of other peoples resumes.  It shows a ton(!) on work ethic, dedication, 
responsibility, maturity, and professionalism, and these are all traits that 
employers want in their workers (or should want).  Give me a better example 
than "I served Richard Branson" and maybe I'll change my mind, but probably 
not :).  And, also, I'm trying to highlight the big things that I have 
actually done in my life.  

No disrespect to your post.  I did post this to be critiqued.


-- 
What did the leper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip...


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