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Subject: Re: Cover Letter Advice
From: Dan the Melon Man
Posted: Mon Nov 23. 2009, 04:53 UTC
Followup to: "Cover Letter Advice"  by Hambone  (Thu Nov 19. 2009, 20:43 UTC)
Oh.
Frankly way too flat for a personality-driven position. For me.

> This letter is in reference to a Bartender position that you may have 
> currently or in the future, and to inform you that I am a worker you 
> want in your establishment.

WAY too formal. Can't be 'in reference to' something that hasn't yet been 
discussed - although could be 'regarding'. Which is also shorter.

I could nit-pick at the grammar, but I think you need to start again. Be the 
guy that you would want to hire.

You don't have bartending "qualifications" - you have experience. (which is 
better)
If I was reviewing it, I'd want you to describe the environment you'd worked 
in (size, turnover, role) to give me a picture to start from.

My style (which may not be yours) usually includes a much more active voice.
I don't 
> appreciate an opportunity to meet the staff
I'm "keen to join the team!".
Dispassionate third-party voice just doesn't make a bartender for me :-)

Nothing in that really sets you apart from any generic-brand product here. 
You've gotta have some sort of "that's interesting" hook. That always gives 
the interview somewhere to start.
Interview candidates often get passed around the upper-level staff, so the one 
that people remember gets more recognition in discussions. "The flight 
instructor" isn't much of a hook. "The guy that likes Bacardi" or "the girl 
that once served Richard Branson" or "the one that did a whole wedding on 
their own" or "the one from Antigua" is still better - no matter how 
irrelevant the trivia.

Despite formal letter-writing advice (to start with the purpose), just 
reversing the paragraphs : I'm this and this and this , and I want to 
this because this. is more dynamic than the current structure.

Yeah, sorry. If this one came to me I'd shrug and think you were writing it 
because your careers adviser gave it to you as an exercise. :-B


Disclosure: so that you can critique me, my (old) CV version is up here
http://coders.co.nz/cv/hospitality
... although I can't dig up the bar job covering letter I used to work from.
As I think it's important for your application to convey your own personality, 
I know my taste might not be yours. But in a bar, the last thing I want is a 
wet fish. Even writing a covering letter may be more snooty than many 
establishments are used to, so (I think) you've gotta give it more kick and 
personality.

.dan.


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