The Webtender
Bartender's Handbook

Drinking games - "Waltham Rules" Asshole .

Object of each round: To get rid of all your cards first

Object of the game: Get your friends sickly drunk, choose sides, stab each other in the back, and eventually break stuff.

Equipment: 1 standard deck of playing cards, 1 big table (preferably round), lots of beer, vomit bucket for big fat juicys.

Part I: General Rules & Overview

To Start Game:

One person, it does not matter who, deals one card to each player to determine the ranking of players for the first and only the first round. Aces are high here, and only here. The player with the highest card is president, second highest is VP, third is treasurer, fourth is secretary, you can make up names from this point on. However, the last person, no matter how many players, is the ASSHOLE for the first round. Again, these rankings are only for the first round.

To Start First Round:

Players sit in ranking order and in a circular fashion. Meaning the President chooses to sit where he wants, VP is next, and so on all around the table with the asshole last. This would be a good point in the game to declare an asshole seat. Meaning if there are not enough chairs, the asshole should stand or if one chair is of significantly lesser quality the asshole should get it, etc.

The asshole deals the cards. The president decides who gets dealt the first card and which direction after that (clockwise or counter-clockwise). The asshole will deal in that specified order until all the cards are given out.

Side note: The presidents decision of who gets dealt the first card is dependent upon which school of thought he subscribes to. Since the object of the round is to get rid of all your cards first, one would figure it would be beneficial to have the least amount of cards as possible. A president from this school of thought would instruct the asshole to deal him (the president) last. On the other hand a president from the opposing school would want the most amount of cards, because this would increase his statistical chances of receiving "good" cards.

And yes I realize if you are playing with a number of people that is divisible by 52, none of this matters. And I also realize Joe views every card as "good".

Card Values:

In "Waltham Rules" Asshole the highest valued card is a 3. The second highest valued card is a 2. The third highest valued card is an Ace. The cards then drop down in regular sequential order (King, Queen, Jack, ten... all the way down to four. A four is the ass-suckiest card in the deck.

To Start Playing the First Round (and general rules of play):

The President always starts the first round. Traditionally he would throw his worst card first. For an example, if he had a four he would play that. The next person in line, the VP, has to try to beat that card. For example, if the VP had a five or higher he would play that. It keeps going down the line until a card is played that nobody can beat. For example if a player throws a King, the next person in line would have to pass if he could not beat the King. If it goes all the way around the table and back to the person who threw the King (i.e. nobody can beat the King) the pile is cleared. Once the pile is cleared, that person who threw last (the King) gets to start play again (traditionally with his lowest card).

The above scenario is a very basic example of how the game is played. Here are other points and rules to consider.

  1. Ties. You do not have to necessarily "beat" the last card thrown if it is your turn.
    Example: If a four is thrown, and it is your turn you can throw four as well. What this does is "skip" the next person in line.

  2. Doubles, triples, & pairs of four. If you are the person who is starting play, you do NOT have to throw a one of a kind.
    Example: If you have a pair of fours, you can start with that. What that means is, the next person in line must also throw a PAIR of cards of the same or higher value. If the next person throws a pair of fours, it only skips ONE person. Triples and four of a kind are played in the same fashion. NOTE you can NOT throw triples on doubles, doubles on triples, etc. The same number of cards must be played. Also, nowhere in the game of ASSHOLE does the "suit" of the card matter.

  3. Clearing "Power" of the 3. As previously mentioned 3 is the highest valued card. When a player throws a 3 the pile is automatically cleared and the person who threw the 3 gets to start play. If you remember the previous example above; a player threw a King and it went around the table until somebody beat it. Well if somebody threw a 3 on that King, for example, the pile is cleared and the person who threw a 3 begins play, traditionally with his lowest card. Also a single 3 can be thrown on anything. Meaning if there is a pair, triple, or 4 of a kind on the table, ONE 3 can clear any of them.

  4. Passing. Even if you can beat the card in front of you, you do not HAVE to throw anything. You can reserve the right to pass at any time. This brings actual "strategy" to the game.

Finishing Round One:

The first person to give out all his cards becomes president for round 2. The second person out is VP... all the way down to ASSHOLE. When a person goes out, the pile is automatically cleared and the next person in line gets to start play, traditionally with his lowest card.

Starting Round Two:

Once round one has finished a new ranking of players has been determined. The players must re-arrange themselves with the president picking wherever he wants to sit. The asshole deals the cards starting with the president indicating who gets dealt first and if the deal will be clockwise or counter-clockwise. Round 2 is played and completed exactly like round 1 and repeated for all other rounds to come.

Part II: Drinking

Introducing - Beer

The game obviously sounds a little tame now, so lets change that. There are very few instances in this game in which you don't drink, depending on how much of a bastard you are and the bastard quality of the friends you are playing with. But here are the times when drinking is mandatory:

  1. Being Skipped. Whenever you are "skipped" (i.e. the person in front of you ties what was on the table) you must take a generous sip.

  2. Passing. Whenever you pass (i.e. decide not to throw a card) you must take a generous sip.

  3. Social. Whenever a four of a kind is on the table (can be the result of four singles of the same value played in a row, to pairs of the same value thrown in a row, or some smart ass jack-off throws a four of a kind) everyone playing must take a generous sip.

  4. Somebody above you tells you to drink. If you are the president you at anytime can tell anybody below you to drink for any reason. If you don't like the card they threw, if they said something stupid...etc. These are just a few from a vast infinity of examples in when you can tell somebody to drink. Unless you are the ASSHOLE, you can't tell anybody to drink, but everybody else can tell you to.

Part III: Written Waltham Rules

These are the hard set in stone liberties we at Waltham took to make an already great game better.

  1. Asshole always clears. If play is cleared for whatever reason (i.e. somebody threw a 3, somebody went out, nobody could beat a particular card) asshole clears the pile in order for play to start again. The asshole must do this as quickly as possible, for if they do it too slow everybody can tell the ASSHOLE to drink because he cleared it too slowly. Of course even if the ASSHOLE clears the pile like greased lightning, barely breaking the sound barrier, everyone can still make him drink for clearing too slowly.

  2. Waltham Rules Waterfall. At anytime the current president may declare a Waltham Rules Waterfall. I will not even go in to explaining what a traditional waterfall is because that type of play is reserved for big fat juicys. Basically in a Waltham Rules Waterfall, everybody chugs a beer.

  3. Cheating. Waltham's basic stance on cheating is it is okay, unless you get caught. If you do get caught cheating, for any reason, you must chug a beer and are automatic ASSHOLE for the next round. It helps to count the cards before each round.

  4. Shit runs downhill (making people below you drink in Waltham Rules Asshole). Previously I mentioned any player can make anybody below him drink at anytime for whatever reason. I will now modify this. The reason we in Waltham modify this rule is because we love to see our friends suffer, and if we allow each other drink at will with no limitations the game would quickly run out of control and we would break stuff early. Waltham is barely civilized, but a civilization nonetheless and no civilization no matter how crude and barbaric must have some basic rules. Here is how it works.

    A player can only make somebody drink ONCE per turn. Meaning when it is your turn to play a card you can make anybody below you drink once.
    Example: if it is your turn and you make the asshole drink, the next time you can make the asshole drink is the next time it is your turn to throw a card. If you are skipped, you can not make anybody drink until your next turn. When you do make somebody drink, you can make them drink one, two, or a maximum of three sips. So obviously you will here "drink three" about 99% of the time.

    A player can only directly make somebody below them drink once per turn, but that same player can also make anybody drink or pass it to somebody.
    Example: You are the president and the asshole is somebody you want to make drink, A LOT. It could be because the asshole insulted you, made you drink in the previous rounds, because the asshole just happens to be Jeff Fuller, etc. As the president, when it is your turn you can make the ASSHOLE drink 3. Additionally you could turn to the VP and say "drink 3 or give them to the ASSHOLE". The VP now reserves the right to drink himself or pass them down to the ASSHOLE. Most likely you will pass because this will make one of your friends suffer. The president can then use this tactic with everyone else below him, and depending on the number of people playing and the number of people who pass the sips, the ASSHOLE could be bumming. This may sound confusing, but we morons from Waltham can keep track of the drinks so there should be NO excuses if you can't follow this.

  5. Making a Rule. If you are President for 3 consecutive rounds, you can make a rule. I realize in traditional asshole there are some automatic rules in place, such as the asshole gives the president his best card. In Waltham these luxuries must be earned. Also, rules do not necessarily have to be "card giving" in nature. You may use your imagination to the best of your ability in order to come up with some good stuff.

  6. Completely Leaving the Game. Your should consider yourself a captive of the game once play commences. You should never want to leave the game, but if for some reason your "tampon needs a-changin" you may only leave as president. If you are lower than president and want to leave the game... tough shit.

  7. Between Rounds. Nobody can make anybody drink after they have gotten rid of all their cards. Additionally nobody can make anybody drink between rounds. Between rounds is reserved for seat changing, shuffling of the deck by the asshole, piss breaks, or vomit breaks. The president may also decide who shuffles and deals the deck if he suspects someone may cheat. For example Matt and Joe are not allowed to EVER touch a full deck. Even if they are ASSHOLE somebody else must deal, which although is a pain in the ass to that person, it is viewed as something for the good of the game.

  8. Ending the GameWhen beer runs out.

Part IV: Underlying Nature of Waltham Rules

Even if you apply all the written laws in Part III you still only get of what Waltham Rules Asshole is all about. The other half is the nature in which the game is played. Players can team up and make other people drink. Of course these teaming only seems to last a little while until somebody decides to stab somebody in the back. The only constant in this game is that Rupen and Jeff are always in opposition

This underlying nature is played with a vicious tenacity so horrific words can not even begin to describe it. This is something people outside of Waltham often try to "imitate" but can never "duplicate".

Well hope you enjoy and can make decent use of these rules without embarrassing yourself. Any questions will not be answered.

 The Fatt Kidd
 (Gregg LeBlanc)

Game source: The Fatt Kidd (Gregg LeBlanc)

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